Take me down to a paradise city where the grass is green and Tom Waits is pretty.

Tom Waits' urine is sterile. You can drink it.

Tom Waits invented time to keep everything from happening at once.

Tom Waits was the original co-writer and singer of "The Girl Is Mine" on Michael Jackson's Thriller, but he was replaced by Paul McCartney weeks before the album's release out of fear the album would be too awesome for the human mind to comprehend.

The kid referenced in "Billie Jean" is actually the son of Tom Waits.

If Tom Waits falls in the forest, and no one is there to hear it, does he make a sound?

Tom Waits invented corduroy.

Tom Waits can speak in morse code.

Tom Waits glows in the dark.

Tom Waits only tips bartenders.

Kevin, Joe, and Nick Waits were advised to change their last name to Jonas in order to avoid confusion.

40% of all numbers found on bathroom walls offering good times are direct lines to Tom Waits.

To clarify, Tom Waits was actually the fourth Ghostbuster. Fearing that he was stealing the thunder from stars Bill Murray and Dan Aykroyd, producers decided to fire Waits from the film after one week of shooting and replace him with someone "less memorable". Thus, the character of Winston Zeddemore was born.

Tom Waits always wears a hat because he thinks that his head is a solar panel for what he calls his "love machine" and that he'll be prone to constant erections should he go hatless.

Tom Waits was the fifth Ghostbuster. He was edited out of the final cut due to "extreme awesomeness that would have caused the MPAA to create a new rating."

Tom Waits takes sad songs and feeds them liquor.

Tom Waits is a free-lance radical. He'll fight at the drop of a hat, if you think hats dropping are an abomination. And have the cash.

Tom Waits is just a vessel for us to project our desires and insecurities on to.

Tom Waits invented the peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

Tom Waits is. And he knows this is the greatest thing he will ever do.

Tom Waits eats electro-shock therapy for breakfast.

The recession hit Tom Waits hard. He's now stripping on his webcam for money.

Tom Waits would rather have a bottle in front of him than to have part of his brain removed.

The Daily Show bathroom wasn't the first ceiling that collapsed on Tom Waits. He just seems to bring the house down wherever he goes.

Tom Waits has the happiest Sundays. This Happy Sunday brought to you by http://tomwaitsfacts.blogspot.com. Happy Sunday!

Tom Waits is a concept by which we measure our pain.

Tom Waits is the only proper noun that is acceptable in Scrabble.

There is an 85% chance that Tom Waits may be your real father.

Every time you masturbate, Tom Waits kills a kitten.

Tom Waits is awful at hackey sack. But hey, you try being awesome at everything.

Tom Waits' nickname in middle school was Cotton Balls.

Tom Waits nickname in high school was Pink Floyd.

When Tom Waits orders a whiskey on the rocks, he means that he literally wants rocks in it. He's got to maintain that voice somehow.

Tom Waits occasionally writes poetry using the pseudonym "Garrett Elkins".

Tom Waits felt bad because he had no shoes, until he met a man who had no feet. Then he stepped on a rock and felt bad about not having shoes again.

Tom Waits's love is like...wo.

Tom Waits thought your story was constipated and unworthy of this reader.

Tom Waits is smarter than a 5th grader.

Tom Waits is better than you at pool.

Unaware that the song is nearly 20 years old, Tom Waits became outraged that Public Enemy would release a song called "911 Is a Joke" in this post-9/11 world.

Automatic doors were invented when a scientist observed Tom Waits push a door open with his mind.

The saying "Time waits for no man," was originally "Tom Waits waits for no man." Tom Waits changed it to keep from sounding like a prick.

Tom Waits never has to wait.

Tom Waits doesn't have to put up with this shit.

Tom Waits eats Quick Start Guides for breakfast.

In response to Scarlett Johansson's album of Tom Waits covers, Tom Waits will be playing Ms. Johansson's role in remakes of each one of her films. Filming for "Lost in Translation" begins in July.

Tom Waits was Obama's first choice for VP.

Tom Waits made magic cool again.

Tom Waits, mighty pirate!

Tom Waits is slated to win next season on "I'm a Celebrity...Now Get Me Out of Here."

Tom Waits believes in you.