Monday, June 29, 2009

Take me down to a paradise city where the grass is green and Tom Waits is pretty.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Tom Waits' urine is sterile. You can drink it.
Tom Waits invented time to keep everything from happening at once.

Friday, June 26, 2009

Tom Waits was the original co-writer and singer of "The Girl Is Mine" on Michael Jackson's Thriller, but he was replaced by Paul McCartney weeks before the album's release out of fear the album would be too awesome for the human mind to comprehend.
The kid referenced in "Billie Jean" is actually the son of Tom Waits.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

If Tom Waits falls in the forest, and no one is there to hear it, does he make a sound?
Tom Waits invented corduroy.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Tom Waits can speak in morse code.
Tom Waits glows in the dark.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Tom Waits only tips bartenders.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Kevin, Joe, and Nick Waits were advised to change their last name to Jonas in order to avoid confusion.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

40% of all numbers found on bathroom walls offering good times are direct lines to Tom Waits.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

To clarify, Tom Waits was actually the fourth Ghostbuster. Fearing that he was stealing the thunder from stars Bill Murray and Dan Aykroyd, producers decided to fire Waits from the film after one week of shooting and replace him with someone "less memorable". Thus, the character of Winston Zeddemore was born.

Friday, June 19, 2009

Tom Waits always wears a hat because he thinks that his head is a solar panel for what he calls his "love machine" and that he'll be prone to constant erections should he go hatless.
Tom Waits was the fifth Ghostbuster. He was edited out of the final cut due to "extreme awesomeness that would have caused the MPAA to create a new rating."

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Tom Waits takes sad songs and feeds them liquor.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Tom Waits is a free-lance radical. He'll fight at the drop of a hat, if you think hats dropping are an abomination. And have the cash.
Tom Waits is just a vessel for us to project our desires and insecurities on to.
Tom Waits invented the peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

Monday, June 15, 2009

Tom Waits is. And he knows this is the greatest thing he will ever do.
Tom Waits eats electro-shock therapy for breakfast.
The recession hit Tom Waits hard. He's now stripping on his webcam for money.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Tom Waits would rather have a bottle in front of him than to have part of his brain removed.
The Daily Show bathroom wasn't the first ceiling that collapsed on Tom Waits. He just seems to bring the house down wherever he goes.
Tom Waits has the happiest Sundays. This Happy Sunday brought to you by http://tomwaitsfacts.blogspot.com. Happy Sunday!
Tom Waits is a concept by which we measure our pain.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Tom Waits is the only proper noun that is acceptable in Scrabble.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

There is an 85% chance that Tom Waits may be your real father.
Every time you masturbate, Tom Waits kills a kitten.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Tom Waits is awful at hackey sack. But hey, you try being awesome at everything.
Tom Waits' nickname in middle school was Cotton Balls.
Tom Waits nickname in high school was Pink Floyd.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

When Tom Waits orders a whiskey on the rocks, he means that he literally wants rocks in it. He's got to maintain that voice somehow.

Monday, June 8, 2009

Tom Waits occasionally writes poetry using the pseudonym "Garrett Elkins".

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Tom Waits felt bad because he had no shoes, until he met a man who had no feet. Then he stepped on a rock and felt bad about not having shoes again.
Tom Waits's love is like...wo.
Tom Waits thought your story was constipated and unworthy of this reader.
Tom Waits is smarter than a 5th grader.

Saturday, June 6, 2009

Tom Waits is better than you at pool.
Unaware that the song is nearly 20 years old, Tom Waits became outraged that Public Enemy would release a song called "911 Is a Joke" in this post-9/11 world.
Automatic doors were invented when a scientist observed Tom Waits push a door open with his mind.
The saying "Time waits for no man," was originally "Tom Waits waits for no man." Tom Waits changed it to keep from sounding like a prick.
Tom Waits never has to wait.

Friday, June 5, 2009

Tom Waits doesn't have to put up with this shit.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Tom Waits eats Quick Start Guides for breakfast.
In response to Scarlett Johansson's album of Tom Waits covers, Tom Waits will be playing Ms. Johansson's role in remakes of each one of her films. Filming for "Lost in Translation" begins in July.
Tom Waits was Obama's first choice for VP.
Tom Waits made magic cool again.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Tom Waits, mighty pirate!

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Tom Waits is slated to win next season on "I'm a Celebrity...Now Get Me Out of Here."

Monday, June 1, 2009

Tom Waits believes in you.