Tom Waits doesn't celebrate Christmas. Christmas celebrates Tom Waits.

Tom Waits is the only known person to have forgotten about Dre and lived to tell the tale.

Tom Waits has been known to fill in for members of KISS from time to time.

Kanye's biggest regret from the 2009 VMAs is that he meant to say "Tom Waits" instead of "Beyonce".

Tom Waits may result in Fetal Injury, Premature Birth, and Low Birth Weight.

Tom Waits? When Tom Waits tried getting on our back porch, Mamma just chased him off with a broom.

Tom Waits ate my neighbors!

Tom Waits is sorry, but your mom is kind of a bitch. No offense. Just saying.

Tom Waites has an elephant made out of your belly button lint guarding his foyer.

Conversely, Tom Waits, more than any other physical entity in the novel, symbolizes freedom, both for Jim and Huck. The pair can only find safety and peace of mind on Tom Waits; whenever they step onto land, they find themselves getting into trouble.

Tom Waits is secretly a Muslim that was born in Kenya.

Tom Waits is fine with a government run health care system as long as 'alcoholic' isn't defined as a pre-existing condition.

Tom Waits disagrees with Tom Petty's assertion that the waiting is the hardest part.

The hero is all of us, it turns out, is Tom Waits.

Tom Waits is Sarah Palin's speechwriter.

Tom Waits is only doing it because the island demands it.

Tom Waits pushed Jeff Goldblum off that cliff.

Tom Waits post pictures of his excrement on the internet.

Tom Waits can often be heard muttering to himself, "My vagina this, my vagina that...".

Tom Waits thinks Michael should fucking write something.

Tom Waits forgot 9/11 two hours after it happened.

Tom Waits is the only man on Earth that Gary Busey is afraid of.

Tom Waits hasn't forgotten.

Tom Waits invented the "cha-cha-cha" dance.

Tom Waits could fart into a microphone, and it would sound better than 99% of music out there.

Tom Waits, Dee Snider, and Tom Petty are joing together to form the ugliest supergroup ever: 9-Bean Chili and the Gas Company.

An ancestor of Tom Waits, also named Tom Waits, was one of the lesser known founding fathers of our country. A falling out occurred when Waits suggested that all members of the legislative branch be issued a bottle of bourbon whenever the House convenes. Disappointed by his colleagues' reluctance, Tom Waits walked out of the room muttering, "I'm not signing that piece of garbage."

Goatse.cx? That's Tom Waits.

Tom Waits never meant to hurt you.

Take me down to a paradise city where the grass is green and Tom Waits is pretty.

Tom Waits' urine is sterile. You can drink it.

Tom Waits invented time to keep everything from happening at once.

Tom Waits was the original co-writer and singer of "The Girl Is Mine" on Michael Jackson's Thriller, but he was replaced by Paul McCartney weeks before the album's release out of fear the album would be too awesome for the human mind to comprehend.

The kid referenced in "Billie Jean" is actually the son of Tom Waits.

If Tom Waits falls in the forest, and no one is there to hear it, does he make a sound?

Tom Waits invented corduroy.

Tom Waits can speak in morse code.

Tom Waits glows in the dark.

Tom Waits only tips bartenders.

Kevin, Joe, and Nick Waits were advised to change their last name to Jonas in order to avoid confusion.

40% of all numbers found on bathroom walls offering good times are direct lines to Tom Waits.

To clarify, Tom Waits was actually the fourth Ghostbuster. Fearing that he was stealing the thunder from stars Bill Murray and Dan Aykroyd, producers decided to fire Waits from the film after one week of shooting and replace him with someone "less memorable". Thus, the character of Winston Zeddemore was born.

Tom Waits always wears a hat because he thinks that his head is a solar panel for what he calls his "love machine" and that he'll be prone to constant erections should he go hatless.

Tom Waits was the fifth Ghostbuster. He was edited out of the final cut due to "extreme awesomeness that would have caused the MPAA to create a new rating."

Tom Waits takes sad songs and feeds them liquor.

Tom Waits is a free-lance radical. He'll fight at the drop of a hat, if you think hats dropping are an abomination. And have the cash.

Tom Waits is just a vessel for us to project our desires and insecurities on to.

Tom Waits invented the peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

Tom Waits is. And he knows this is the greatest thing he will ever do.

Tom Waits eats electro-shock therapy for breakfast.

The recession hit Tom Waits hard. He's now stripping on his webcam for money.

Tom Waits would rather have a bottle in front of him than to have part of his brain removed.

The Daily Show bathroom wasn't the first ceiling that collapsed on Tom Waits. He just seems to bring the house down wherever he goes.

Tom Waits has the happiest Sundays. This Happy Sunday brought to you by http://tomwaitsfacts.blogspot.com. Happy Sunday!

Tom Waits is a concept by which we measure our pain.

Tom Waits is the only proper noun that is acceptable in Scrabble.

There is an 85% chance that Tom Waits may be your real father.

Every time you masturbate, Tom Waits kills a kitten.

Tom Waits is awful at hackey sack. But hey, you try being awesome at everything.

Tom Waits' nickname in middle school was Cotton Balls.

Tom Waits nickname in high school was Pink Floyd.

When Tom Waits orders a whiskey on the rocks, he means that he literally wants rocks in it. He's got to maintain that voice somehow.

Tom Waits occasionally writes poetry using the pseudonym "Garrett Elkins".

Tom Waits felt bad because he had no shoes, until he met a man who had no feet. Then he stepped on a rock and felt bad about not having shoes again.

Tom Waits's love is like...wo.

Tom Waits thought your story was constipated and unworthy of this reader.

Tom Waits is smarter than a 5th grader.

Tom Waits is better than you at pool.

Unaware that the song is nearly 20 years old, Tom Waits became outraged that Public Enemy would release a song called "911 Is a Joke" in this post-9/11 world.

Automatic doors were invented when a scientist observed Tom Waits push a door open with his mind.

The saying "Time waits for no man," was originally "Tom Waits waits for no man." Tom Waits changed it to keep from sounding like a prick.

Tom Waits never has to wait.

Tom Waits doesn't have to put up with this shit.

Tom Waits eats Quick Start Guides for breakfast.

In response to Scarlett Johansson's album of Tom Waits covers, Tom Waits will be playing Ms. Johansson's role in remakes of each one of her films. Filming for "Lost in Translation" begins in July.

Tom Waits was Obama's first choice for VP.

Tom Waits made magic cool again.

Tom Waits, mighty pirate!

Tom Waits is slated to win next season on "I'm a Celebrity...Now Get Me Out of Here."

Tom Waits believes in you.

Tom Waits thinks the windows at H&R Block are sexy.

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Tom Waits was rejected from The Traveling Wilburies for being "too dirty".

Tom Waits is the first known person to use the phrase "cool beans".

Tom Waits went out one night for a pack of smokes, and never returned.

There is no god, only Tom Waits when he's drunk.

* Tom Waits was Stan Lee's inspiration for Wolverine. He designed Sabretooth after Elvis Costello after seeing Tom Waits and Elvis Costello fighting in an alley.

* Tom Waits doesn't care about black people.

* Tom Waits was driving the car that hit Kanye.

* Tom Waits was also the driver that hit Stephen King.

* Tom Waits, in the library...with his bare hands.

* Tom Waits is the Unknown Soldier.

* Tom Waits regularly performs as Ron Perlman's stunt double.

* Tom Waits composed the song that Keyboard Cat plays.

* The talking butt routine in Ace Ventura: Pet Detective was the brainchild of Tom Waits.

* Tom Waits and Laurence Fishburne were Ang Lee's original choices for the leads in Brokeback Mountain.

* Tom Waits always leaves the toilet seat up.

* Tom Waits's gravelly voice is the result of years of performing oral sex on Vero Beach women.

* After being denied the role of Mutt in Indy 4, Tom Waits realized that he had been LeBoufed.

* Tom Waits called me a "faggot" on Xbox Live because I didn't know where the rocket launcher was.

* Imagine Tom Waits as Dr. Gregory House.

* Tom Waits was the inspiration for the character of Barney Stinson on How I Met Your Mother.

* New videogame: Guitar Hero Tom Waits

* God of War III: Tom Waits

* Unlockable character in Super Smash Brothers: Tom Waits

* If you think about it, Tom Hanks is like a handsomer Tom Waits.

* If you think about it, only Ron Perlman is a less handsome Tom Waits.

* Tom Waits is secretly working on a Dr. Dre covers album.

* Tom Waits has been writing novels under the pseudonym Dean Koontz for several decades.

* Tom Waits takes all his own pictures. In the bathroom mirror.

Imagine Tom Waits playing Vin Diesel's character in any film.